Q. Is there a definition of abuse and domestic violence? At what point does behavior qualify as abuse?

A. Domestic violence includes any words or behavior used to gain power and control over a partner. It should not be confused with marital problems or conflicts. It does not discriminate as to race, age, culture, religion or socio-economic status. The different types of abuse are physical, verbal, mental, emotional, spiritual and sexual. Pushing, grabbing, poking, pinching, hitting, threatening harm, and even excessive tickling are examples of physical behaviors. Other examples of abuse include threats, playing mind games and crazy-making (making a victim think she is crazy), being forced to do something sexual that the victim does not want to do, or being kept from food, medicine or a doctor's care. Being told you are stupid and incompetent is also abuse. These are just a very few examples of abuse.

Q. How do I know if a friend is being abused? What are some of the signs?

A. Some signs may include, but are limited to the following: physical marks such as black eyes or bruises which cannot be explained, or the explanation does not seem valid. Wearing clothing inappropriate to the season, such as long sleeves or a turtleneck during the summer that could be hiding the marks of abuse. Whether the abuse is physical or not, your friend may seem more depressed, quiet, pre-occupied and/or nervous than usual. She may arrive late to work or other activities more often. Her husband or boyfriend calls her excessively at work, at home or on her cell phone. She may become more isolated from her friends or family. A victim's behavior may change drastically around her husband or boyfriend.

Q. If I think someone is being abused, what should I do?

A. Educate yourself so that you are better able to help the victim. Listen to her and take her concerns seriously, and encourage her to take the threats seriously as well. Never blame her or judge her. Let the person know you are concerned about her and afraid for her safety and the safety of her children. Tell them it will only get worse if something is not done. Let her know that she is not alone and that there are organizations that can help her and offer protection. Refer her to those organizations that specialize in domestic violence. Respect her choices - she already has someone telling her what to do. But encourage her to contact professionals about making a safety plan. Encourage her to get to a safe shelter. Offer as much help as you can, but do not take risks with your own safety. For example, you might provide child care while the victim goes to a support group, or you might provide transportation to the doctor. Provide her with this web site or brochure.

Q. When should a victim leave the home? Is divorce the only answer?

A. A victim should leave when she fears for the safety of herself and her children. Divorce is not the only answer. It is not advised that both attend marriage counseling, especially together, or mediation at this point. Although the abuser needs counseling to work on his issues that led to the violence, the victim also needs individual counseling to facilitate her healing process. Marriage counseling will only inhibit the victim from confiding her true feelings, concerns and issues. She needs to feel she is in a safe environment where she can feel free to express herself. Once both have successfully gone through individual counseling apart from the other, then marriage counseling can be performed in an attempt to restore the marriage.

Q. Does counseling an abuser accomplish anything? Can he change? Can the marriage be saved?

A. Counseling can change an abuser, from working through an anger management program to learning to take responsibility and accountability for his actions. However, an abuser must want to get help, and admit that he has a problem. Since abuse is not genetic, but learned, more than likely there were events that occurred in an abuser's childhood that would perpetuate this crime. Recognizing and working through understanding those events can be instrumental. If counseling is successful, and both the victim and abuser are committed to make their marriage work, then the chances of the marriage being saved increases.

Q. If there are children in the home, does that change the decision to stay or to go?

A. Many victims will not leave if there are children involved for several reasons. Many are too afraid to leave because the abuser has threatened to harm her or the children. The abuser may have threatened to take the children away from her if she leaves. She may feel a loyalty to the father of her children, believing that her children need their father. There may be economic issues involved in which she feels she could not afford to make it on her own and support her children. However, children will motivate a victim to leave when nothing else will. Whereas before she may have been willing to endure the abuse for herself, once the abuse involves her children, she knows she must leave for purpose of protecting and keeping her children.

Q. My friend has left her boyfriend three times and has gone back every time. Why should I help her again? How should I be helping her?

A. On the average, many victims will leave their abuser at least seven times before she has had enough and leaves him for good. Be patient with her and keep supporting her. Continually refer to the above question "If I think someone is being abused, what should I do?"

Q. How do I raise children to neither abuse or be a victim of abuse?

A. First, set a good example within your own home between you and your spouse. Abusive behavior is learned behavior. Parents should learn to control their anger and their actions towards his or her spouse, especially in front of the children. Be open with love and affection towards each other and your children. Demonstrate a healthy relationship in your own marriage. Children mimic those closest to them, which primarily includes their parents. Secondly, educate your children about setting boundaries and respecting others. Let them know that violence, including name calling, is not acceptable within your home. Educate yourself about domestic violence, then as they get older, educate them as well.

Q. I don't know anyone personally affected by this problem, so what can I do to help?

A. Pray for the victims of domestic violence, their children, the abusers and those involved in helping them. Educate yourself about domestic violence. Donate to ministries or agencies that help victims either financially or with your time as a volunteer. Do something.

According the Bureau of Justice Statistic Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence in 2001. Therefore, for the purpose of simplicity, we will refer to domestic violence victims as women.

"beauty for ashes...oil of joy." ISA. 61:3

24 Hr. Florida Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-500-7233
Florida Abuse Hotline: 1-800-962-2873 (VOICE) 1-800-453-5145 (TTY)
Oasis of Peace Ministry Hotline Jacksonville & Vicinity:   904-821-0709
Putnam & St. Johns County:  904-347-5657 (After Hours)
All other areas: 1-888-821-0709